In March, when I found out that Boo had been killed, I think I lost the last of my innocence. I realized that life is really fucking short. I take too many people for granted by not keeping in contact with them, and the last time I spoke to her, she was walking with her little girl, and I never said much. I regret that. I was a mess. I saw her as a child, as a teenager, and as a mother and wife, but, I had never seen her as mortal. Life was taken from that wonderful person and it could be taken from me.

Another thing I realized, and I realize more and more everyday, is that I'm going to be okay. I survived the worst break up (and longest break up) of my life, and I ended up okay. I survived the most difficult financial times, and I'm okay. I lost friends, and I'm okay. I left my family on the other side of the earth, and I'm doing alright, not completely okay yet, but it is getting easier. It seems that I can survive life. Thats okay.

I learned a whole lot about relationships. I realized that I treated Aaron like shit, only because he treated me like shit. I felt like a terrible person for everything that I had said and done to him, but, I was just retaliating the negative things he was doing to me, I can justify everything I have done, and I think thats all that really matters. The last 4 months of our friendship/break up was the most difficult time of my life. I had to choose between trying to work things out with him, and trying something new with Tim. I'm glad that I decided to leave it all behind, and try something new.

And honestly, I didn't want to really start anything new. I was so hesitant about Tim at first. It was so up and down and roller coaster like, that I was ready to give up. I think it was partially the whole Aaron-pressure thing, and I felt guilty being happy with someone that wasn't him. But, I realized when he went home for Christmas, and I spent some time with Tim when I wasn't rushing off to do something for Aaron (not WITH him, FOR him), that I really enjoy spending time with him, and that I had feelings. So, over Christmas break, I worked out my feelings, told Aaron to scat, and started a lovely relationship where I am actually appreciated and (later) loved.

It was when we broke up for a week that I realized that I really have feelings for this guy, and after eating everything for an entire week, I had to somehow work things out, or just move on and become fatter. It was frustrating at first. He seemed so detached when I went to pick up my things, I thought that things would never work out... but, after a while, it seemed that things were okay again. For the first few months, I felt like I was walking on egg-shells. I had no idea how he felt, and that really bothered me. He was still kind of detached, it seemed, and that really really worried me. I was scared that it was going to be another Aaron-fiasco all over again, where I worked my hardest to show someone that I cared, only to be put on the back burner and not have the same feelings reciprocated. I was scared that I was going to move to another continent with a man that didn't love me. But, after a while, we talked, and things were clarified. I'm glad. But now I'm terrified now that I'm going to make his trip here miserable, and that by the end of the year, he's going to be sick of me. I want this to work. I do love this man, and I want to make this work for as long as it can. I have no idea what he wants for our future, or if he wants one. I guess I can assume that he wants one. Why else would you be in a relationship, right? I'm scared to bring it up, I don't want to cause any arguments or hostility or creep him out. I just like knowing peoples intentions with me, I guess. I try not to worry about things like that. I just want to forget any silly worries I have and just try to live day by day. But, maybe I just need to stop worrying about when I get home. I still have 9 months left yet.

Korea. What a roller coaster ride it's been since I've been here. I was very excited to pack up my things and go, but, as soon as I sat on that plane, and it started to take off, I died inside. I didn't want to leave. I liked the idea of leaving, but, once the time actually came to go, I wanted to turn around and go back. Somewhere over Alaska, or Russia or Korea, my heart broke, and I realized that I did not want to be there, and I wanted to turn the plane around and go home, back to the island thats been my home my entire life. I always said that I wanted to leave, to go some place that was away from everything, but now that I'm gone, the idea that I have had since I was old enough to think about leaving home seemed so horrible, and that now, I think I was a fool to want to leave. Now, all I want to do is go home and start my REAL life.

I'm glad I'm here in some sense. I'm glad that I'm gaining a new found appreciation for my family and home, clean air and small populations. I'm a small town girl, not a city girl. I don't like the rushing slowness that comes with thousands of people on the streets, and hundreds of cars within a block. The smells are stomach-turning, and I could do without the tall buildings � give me endless trees. I miss the stars so much. Something that I looked up at thousands of times in my life are now gone, so, when I see planes flying overhead on a clear night, I make a wish hoping to have it come true.

If I could leave tomorrow, I would. I'm happy, but, resistant to settling down here. I don't feel at home in this city. I feel at home in this apartment, but, I think it's the company, not the actual apartment. The food is okay, at best. Many times I feel hungry after eating, but, I try to eat the best I can. I miss the feeling of being so stuffed with good, delicious food, that I tend to gorge on disgusting take out food that I would normally not eat.

I'm spending Christmas and Birthday with Tim and a few new friends. It should be a good time. I'm glad I'm spending it with Tim. I appreciate that he is trying his best to make this a good Christmas for me, and I love him for that more than he would every know. He is my family here. He's really the only thing I have here, so, I'm glad that he's acknowledging that it's going to be hard for me, and trying his best. Friends are no replacement for my family, but, I hope I have many many years and Christmas' to spend with them. As for now, I guess I have to take each day as they come, and try to brace myself for the bumpy next few months, and try to get through it all. I'll get used to the smell, and the city after a while. I'll find out eventually what Tim wants and if its the same as what I want. I'll get used to the food, and before I know it, I'll be heading back to Canada, and into the daily grind again, only to complain and think about leaving again.

Another year, another lesson learned and forgotten.